Some people have an irrational need to understand. They get intensely upset when something doesn’t make sense to them. While they desperately want their partner or spouse to talk to them, the opposite happens; those who love them grow quieter or more hidden.

They rifle off questions, and then argue or try to debate the answers given. It quickly shifts to personal attack, calling the person they love stupid, wrong, or a list of other insults.

Their partner describes feeling pressured, overwhelmed, and not knowing what to say. If they try to end the conversation, the person with the need to understand turns up the pressure.

I have watched countless relationships where good intentions to communicate shift to verbal and emotional abuse. When both people are reacting emotionally, neither of them can think clearly. It’s a vicious cycle that can quickly become toxic.

Learn to recognize what an emotional reaction looks like in your partner and feels like in yourself. Press the pause button in the conversation and wait for the emotions to simmer down.