When Conversation Become Abusive

June 23rd, 2014   •   Comments Off on When Conversation Become Abusive   
Some people have an irrational need to understand. They get intensely upset when something doesn’t make sense to them. While they desperately want their partner or spouse to talk to them, the opposite happens; those who love them grow quieter or more hidden.
They rifle off questions, and then argue or try to debate the answers given. It quickly shifts to personal attack, calling the person they love stupid, wrong, or a list of other insults.
Their partner describes feeling pressured, overwhelmed, and not knowing what to say. If they try to end the conversation, the person with the need to understand turns up the pressure.
I have watched countless relationships where good intentions to communicate shift to verbal and emotional abuse. When both people are reacting emotionally, neither of them can think clearly. It’s a vicious cycle that can quickly become toxic.
Learn to recognize what an emotional reaction looks like in your partner and feels like in yourself. Press the pause button in the conversation and wait for the emotions to simmer down.

Self-image: Our Own View

June 1st, 2014   •   Comments Off on Self-image: Our Own View   

In counseling, life situations often improve when we change how we see ourselves and how we see others.

In mediation, agreements often can be reached when we change from seeing ourselves as “good” and the ex-partner as “bad”.

I’m talking here about identity, self-image, how we see ourselves.

Distorted images of how we think and feel about our self is the source of many problems. It’s not easy to change our own view, but it is possible.

Our parents see us one way, our children another way, our romantic partners yet another way, and it continues with our friends, our boss and co-workers, our doctors, teachers, and even our counselors. At the end of it all, it really only matters how we view and see our self.

Honor or loathe. Accept or judge. Love or hate.  When we honor, accept, and love our self, it sure makes life a hell of a lot better.

Be nice to you.