Roots of Shame

August 12th, 2013   •   Comments Off on Roots of Shame   

Shame exacerbates a variety of problems in our adult relationships, especially in our most intimate ones.

  • Work too hard?
  • Lack motivation?
  • Avoid things?
  • Kinder to others than you are to yourself?
  • Accused of being self-centered, insecure, self-righteous, or addicted?

It’s not the only reason for all of these behaviors, but it’s a short list of ways that shame reveals itself in adulthood. A common example for identifying shame is when adults feel guilty for giving their parents a hard time when they were a kid.

Kids can do some crazy crap, and most parents understand that because we did some crazy crap when we were kids! It’s what kids do. It doesn’t mean we are bad people. It means we were a kid.

“You don’t understand how bad I was.” After I hear the stories, it is often the very common coming-of-age stuff. Even if it is more extreme, it is what it is. Kids don’t owe adults an easy experience. Sometimes kids pick a really tough road. It’s the job of the grown-up to be the adult, which includes growing in emotional maturity themselves as needed.

That bad feeling about who we were as a kid is really shame. We may have concluded we were bad from seeing distraught adults, or from adults who used shame as a method to control us. Accepting who we were as a kid is directly related to accepting ourselves as an adult.

If you want to learn more, Brene Brown has some great material on YouTube and in her books.