Have you ever been to a wedding reception where they offer a Dollar Dance, the time when the guests line up and pay to dance with the bride or groom? Up on their tip toes for the tall guest, crouched awkwardly to dance with the 8 year-old, and holding on as they get dizzy with the life-of-the-party guest!
As they quickly go through the line giving each person a less than a minute personal experience, they have to adjust quickly. Besides wanting the money, they adjust themselves to make the guests feel comfortable: letting them know they matter by paying attention to who they are and recognizing what they need.
It’s the dance of love when we don’t make things all about us. We do the same thing in our relationships when we pay attention.
We often listen and think that what we are hearing is about us. However, if we learn to listen differently, we will discover that people are often telling us something about themelves.
What are they really saying? Where have they been in life? What brings them to this place: what have they done or what’s been done to them?
When someone is blaming you for making them feel bad, hurt, angry, or jealous, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
I know that they are saying it’s all your fault, but they are trying to tell you something. Try to respond differently and see what happens.
“If I had done or said what you wanted, can you tell me how that would have changed how you feel or what you think?”
They still may reply saying, “I would think you cared,” or “I would think you were responsible.”
Seek to understand them further with, “Are you saying you would feel important?” or “Are you saying you would feel protected?”
You are not trapped now to do what they are asking, but now you know what they need. “Ok. Thanks for letting me know.”
It’s a loving dance when we adjust ourselves to hear or see what others are trying to tell us.